Michelob Ultra Man

What I see:

Michelob Ultra Man (MUM) is a quiet man that I have begun to recognize as a regular. I have recently started acquiring more daytime bartending shifts, and over the last two weeks I have come to expect MUM at around 4:00 p.m. The first time I met MUM (or perhaps “observed” would be a more appropriate word), I said hello. He nodded at me politely as he took a seat at the bar rail. When I asked him what I could get him to drink, he quietly replied, “Michelob Ultra”. When I asked him if he would like the 16 oz. or the 23 oz., he made a gesture with his hands to indicate that he wanted the larger of the two options. The nighttime bartender comes in at 5:00, so until today I had never closed out his tab. MUM remains a mystery to me. Over the last several bartending shifts, I have witnessed him gliding into the restaurant silently, taking a seat at the bar rail, and somehow managing to order his beer and his trivia box without speaking more than a word or two.

MUM prefers quiet, that much is clear. He is well-dressed, and seems to be a productive and otherwise normal member of society. He has a cell phone that he uses now and again while he’s at the restaurant, but he never talks on it; he only texts. He has what appears to be a wedding ring on his left hand.

Today I experienced a true conversation with this gem of a regular. He was finishing his second beer, and I asked him if I could him another. I raised one finger, as if to say, “Just a minute,” or “just one more”. The only problem is I didn’t know which one he meant. I am a talkative person, so I tend to become nervous around people who are quiet. I always imagine that they’re thinking mean things about me. Anyway, I decided to let him be for a minute rather than admit to my embarrassing lack of comprehension. I came back a few minutes later, and he had finished his beer. When I asked him if he was ready for another, he said, “Yes.” In a moment of courage, I decided to be frank with him, and I said, “I wasn’t sure if you meant ‘one more’ or ‘one minute’…sorry.” He quietly replied, “One more, one minute. What’s the difference?” That, my friends, is the longest sentence I have ever heard from MUM, and yet I spend several hours a week with this man. This has led me to declare MUM Interesting Customer #1. I have a great story in store for him!

What I imagine:

MUM was a quiet and serious child that grew up in Connecticut. His dad was an equally serious man, but he had a horrible temper. He expected a lot from his son, so MUM pulled straight As all through high school. MUM continued to be reserved and quiet, but he exhibited an ambition at which his teachers and principal marveled. MUM met a nice, quiet girl at school (Cynthia), and they began seeing each other.

Cynthia was never driven the way that MUM was, but she got good grades in school. She admired MUM because he had a passion in life. MUM was going to go to law school and graduate at the top of his class. As the months went by, she and MUM became closer and closer. She had him figured out, and she even began spending holidays with his family once she had finished dinner with hers. The Thanksgiving of their senior year of high school, Cynthia went over to MUM’s house for dessert with his family. Little did she know that MUM had chosen this moment to tell his father that he no longer planned on applying at Harvard. He wanted to get away from the east coast and see more of the country. MUM’s father was furious, and Cynthia witnessed a wrath of the likes which she had never seen before. She sat frozen in her chair, only breaking her concentration on her dessert long enough to glance at MUM. MUM sat quietly, taking his father’s verbal beating. When his father had finished screaming at him, he calmly stood up and walked out of the room. When Cynthia followed him and walked into his room, MUM was packing a bag. She begged him not to leave, trying to convince him that moving out of the house one month after his 18^th birthday would only bring him more problems. Suddenly MUM lashed out at her. He threw her against the wall and told her she could stay with him or go, that it was her choice. Cynthia ran home in tears. She wouldn’t hear from MUM for another year.

After leaving his home, MUM cleaned out his savings account and took a bus to Kansas City, where he rented a one bedroom apartment that was swarming with cockroaches. He enrolled himself in an inner city high school; he knew he had to receive a diploma if he had any hope of going to college. Life was difficult for MUM in Kansas City. He was harassed by the other kids, and was jumped once in the hallway. He was lucky; he came out of the fight with a black eye, a swollen lip, and some sore ribs. Fortunately, MUM only had to endure the high school for a few months. He graduated with good grades and was accepted at the University of Kansas.

MUM moved to Lawrence and worked as a pizza boy to put himself through college. His good grades had yielded a stable scholarship, but he needed money to live off of. One night, he delivered a pizza to an apartment building not far from his own, only to discover that Cynthia had followed him to the Midwest; she answered the door. Cynthia, who had been searching for MUM among the other college students for a few months now, had had no idea that MUM was a pizza boy. In a moment of weakness, MUM broke down sobbing in Cynthia’s arms. He told her about what he had been through over the last year, and begged her forgiveness. She and MUM took it as a message from fate that they had been brought back together; they not only began seeing each other again, but moved in together as well.

Two and a half years later, MUM was preparing to graduate and was applying at law schools. Cynthia was attending nursing school, and was almost finished with her degree. She came home from clinicals one day to find MUM waiting for her with a ring. She accepted, and they set the date for June 29^th of that year. At Cynthia’s urging, MUM sent an invitation to his parents’ house. His father refused the invitation, still seething from the infamous Thanksgiving dinner of four years’ prior. Nevertheless, Cynthia and MUM wed on June 29^th of that year, and rented a small apartment in Topeka, KS. MUM had been accepted to the Washburn Law program.

Upon graduation from law school (and still not having talked to his parents, except his mom in secret), MUM accepted a job with a prestigious firm in Kansas City. The firm fell on hard times due to the recession, and MUM was laid off three years later. He and Cynthia moved back to Topeka with their savings so that MUM could open his own office. Shortly after MUM opened his office, Cynthia announced that she was pregnant. She and MUM were elated!

Seven months later, Cynthia gave birth to twins Eli and Quentin. While Cynthia stayed at home with the boys, MUM worked long hours to keep his office afloat. The pressure was mounting; MUM was fighting hard for his cases, and fighting harder to make a name for himself. He was losing sleep at night, not that there was much of it with the twins anyway. He began losing hair and falling asleep at work. Cynthia begged him to see a therapist to help manage his stress, and after a few months MUM finally gave in.

MUM’s therapist suggested that he find a safe and quiet place where he could meditate. No talking, no stress, only MUM. MUM agreed with this suggestion, but had no idea where he could find such a place. He spent all day arguing in the courtroom or dealing with angry clients. When he came home, Cynthia was there with the kids. He considered driving out of town and sitting in a field for awhile to be alone with his thoughts, but all of the fields were private property and the weather was growing cold. One day, on his way to the mall to run an errand for Cynthia, MUM drove by Anonymous Restaurant & Bar and decided to stop and have a beer. The place was empty; only the bartender was working, a lanky and friendly fellow who left him to his thoughts. This, MUM thought, would be the perfect place for MUM to meditate. As little talking as possible, as little noise as possible. MUM played trivia on one of the electronic boxes and tuned the world out. That night, he slept through the night for the first time in months.