The Abnormal Regular

"Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came."

These are some lyrics from the Cheers theme song, and I think this is the kind of picture most people have in mind when they think of being a "regular" at a restaurant or bar. We become regulars because we've found a place where we're appreciated, and we want to support that particular business for allowing us to feel comfortable and needed. The normal regular has created a community for herself (or himself), and only expects good service and good times when she (or he) pays a visit to the Bar.

This character is an irregular regular. To avoid confusion (because I'm not talking about his pooping habits, as Crystal pointed out), I've given him the name "Abnormal Regular". He knows all of the employees and managers at my restaurant, and he is outwardly a very nice man. He shows up in the early afternoon and plays trivia games into the night; it is not unusual for him to witness the 5:00 shift change. He is just short of retirement age, although I'm guessing that he retired early--how else could he have forty hours every week to come in and drink our Coca Cola?

As far as I know, the Abnormal Regular is a widower or divorced. When he came in for Valentine's Day this year, I asked him if he had anything planned and he said he tried not to stay home on Valentine's Day since he was alone. He does have children, however, which suggests that he was in a long term relationship at one point in his life.

On to the interesting stuff: what makes the Abnormal Regular so abnormal? Well, it seems to me that this man is not motivated by the same things as a normal regular. As I mentioned earlier, there is a certain sentimentality that seems to be a part of most regulars. With A.R. this is purely business. I submit my evidence:

1) Having established his regularity, he expects that we will not charge him for his drinks or any little extras that we would charge another guest for. Ex: The other day, A.R. ordered a sandwich with fries. He wanted a side of ranch for the fries. The restaurant mandates that I charge him for the ranch. He knows this, but he also knows I can get the ranch for free if I want, so he adds, "And just so you know, none of the other girls ever charge me for that stuff." Now, I have known people to be unsubtle about their dreams of free food, but I have never had a guest come right out and say something like that to me. I can only imagine that this man must be somewhat confident, yet something about his demeanor suggests to me that he is at the same time rather insecure. Only a confident person would say something like that, but only a person insecure in his status as "regular" would feel the need to say it. A true regular would secretly hope for freebies, but never be upset if he or she did not receive them. This brings me to exhibit #2.

2) The Abnormal Regular is nice as pie until he doesn't get what he wants. One time, upon being charged for his side of ranch, he began talking badly about his server to another server. And one day, when I was on shift, he became enraged when I would not put the jukebox music on audio. Funny sidenote: Two days ago Abnormal Regular told me he loved Lily Allen.

3) A.R. is systematically scamming my restaurant, which under these circumstances I find funny. Our restaurant, which is a chain, offers an incentive for guests to tell us about their experiences. Our computers randomly print out receipts that our guests can use to access an online survey. Once they have completed the survey, they are given a code. With the original receipt and their code, they receive a free appetizer (no purchase necessary). Now, of the ten to fifteen times I have waited on the Abnormal Regular, he has NEVER actually paid for food. He either only drinks a Coke the entire time he is here (and don't forget--he doesn't get charged that kind of stuff!), or he has one of the aforementioned receipts and orders something for free. Many of us had speculated about how he always manages to have one of these receipts, until one day last week when I witnessed him patrolling the empty tables in search of abandoned receipts! This is a move that my good friend Mary would pull in a heartbeat if she had the time and patience, but she doesn't, which is what sets her apart I suppose (I'll be watching for you in forty years, Mary!).

Evidence submitted. Don't you think it's fair to say that this man is not a regular, but in fact a con artist of sorts? I imagine him making his rounds in the corporate restaurant world, silently stalking and picking his victims like a serial killer would. This man builds relationships with various restaurants' staffs, earning their trust and their benevolent acts (free soda, hello!), and then he figures out the system and screws it until he has worn out his welcome and moves on to a new place. But WHAT IS HIS MOTIVE? What kind of life has led him here? His capacity for caring and being nice tells me that he's not a bad person, but he can be so sneaky! I need your input immediately!