New Hair 'Do= Lots of hiding places for SECRETS

Since the true mysteries of my city seem to be staying in during this cold weather and in doing so are preventing me from finding any inspiration for storytelling, I'm going to change things up a little with this post.

I originally wanted to write about one of my coworkers, but decided that that was too risky (even though the story would have knocked your socks off!). Then I had a bad night and wanted to vent about management and poor tippers. Thank goodness my mom has good sense and convinced me that this would only come off as whining. FINALLY, I watched the newest episode of Undercover Boss, which targeted the Hooters franchise. I was dismayed to see how tame the restaurant came off, knowing all too well the things that really go on behind the scenes. SOOOoooo, I thought I would let my audience in on a few things that they might not be aware of. I think these things hold true for most restaurants:

1) We do NOT spit in your food, no matter how much we dislike you. I've been tempted, trust me. But I, as well as other servers, am generally much more creative about how I choose to get my revenge on a rude table, and it NEVER involves germs or gross things like that. One night, I had a girl at a large table that absolutely hated me. I have no idea why. I think she was just a little ball of anger that needed to lash out at someone. She and her friends stayed there the whole night, and while they were nice to me, she was AWFUL. She made rude comments and gave me mean looks; she was difficult in general, all the while waiting for me to say something that could get me in trouble. I never said a word. The ruder she was to me, the more polite I was back. She stiffed me on an $80 ticket, and I smiled and thanked her, asking her to come back again. As she left dumbfounded and frustrated, her brother handed me a twenty dollar bill.

2) Being nice to your server really does pay off. It might not get you what you want (free tortilla chips!!) every time, but every once in a while it'll pay off. Ex: If you order something and it comes out wrong, but you're polite about it, I'll leave it on the table for you to snack on, get you a new one, and try my best to get the manager to give it to you for free. If you're an asshat (as Mary would say), I'll get you the right thing, but I'll take away the other one and let you sit there hungry. And unless you raise hell with the manager, you'll be paying for it.

3) Yes, we talk about you in the kitchen. A lot.

4) A server is just as likely (if not more) to remember a bad tipper as they are a good tipper. If you stiff a server, expect that server to tell all the other servers about it, and expect bad service next time you go to the restaurant. No, we don't have most wanted pictures up in the back, but we might as well.

5) Underneath your sweet and cheery server's thin outer shell lies an angry, impatient bitch. Nice people don't fare well in the restaurant industry.

6) In a good restaurant, you won't be able to tell how stressed out your server is or how unorganized and chaotic the system really is. If you are noticing these things, blame the company, not the management or servers. Chances are, things won't improve until there is some reorganization; there is a pretty significant amount of pressure on management, and that trickles down to the rest of the employees.

7) The garnishes that go on your drinks (lemons, limes, cherries) are COMPLETELY INFESTED with germs and bacteria. Even if the person cutting them uses gloves, servers don't have time to go get gloves every time you order a refill, and there really isn't any way for us to get that lemon wedge on the rim of your cup without using our fingers.

That's all I've got for now, kids.